When I was a child, I thought if I stared at my mother’s pictures for hours and weep, I could bring her back from her eternal sleep. I joined the ranks of the motherless children who rode their bicycles in the night, in tears, with their mother’s memory still in them. An only child, I witnessed the pain in my grandmother’s eyes; the agony she carried from the loss of her children. She told me long held secrets before her transition; in my young body and receptive mind, I sat quietly and intently listened. Early in her marriage she had suffered a miscarriage, and through her life, she had endured tremendous damage. That evening I became a man; holding back my own tears, she knelt and wept, and let out all the pain of the years. I took my grandmother’s hand — and kissed her, and held her, and told her that she had become my mother, and that she was all I had, and that I loved her. In those moments nothing else in the world mattered; and on that night, oh that precious night, I swore an oath to myself in a small room under the heavens, that I would die to protect her, and stored that night in the depths of my soul, so I could always remember.
As the moon reflects the light of the sun,
So are you also my light, my son.
In your eyes I wanted to be a good son. In my eyes you were a god.
In a sea of black a young boy sits quietly in solid oak church pews.
Young eyes stare at stillness as it lies. The agony of reality encompasses
Like tall waves in dark seas.
In that moment your last words are remembered:
“You are a good son”
For nine months you carried me. Wrapped in your warmth, I felt your heartbeat. I was in tune with your emotions, every feeling, every sensation. Suspended within your womb, I traveled with you; Mom, where are we going today? I asked, but I was never sure if you could hear me. I hear this sound outside. It’s getting louder and louder. Suddenly I want to move; I want to dance . . . I am euphoric! I am rhythmic! I can’t help myself now! I’m kicking and spinning! Then you said: “What has gotten into this baby?” “This boy is really kicking.” We were intrinsically connected. I relied on you to feed me and nurture me. You were my life source; I was totally dependent on you.
In those months we bonded, I could feel the love you had for me, and it was comforting. It was a tranquility that the moon and the stars couldn’t explain. It was beyond comprehension how your voice soothed me; a restless life, at times impatient to make my entrance into the world. I wonder if you could sense me smiling, or perceive my happiness and contentment? I’m certain you could. I’m sure of it. That connection; that sacred connection between mother and son. That unbreakable bond; that love and care. That nurturing and the blessing that was you; that was us; I am thankful. I am joyful.
A physical cord that once connected us, that umbilical cord of life, that once fed me, and that conveyed our thoughts and feelings to each other; a beautiful work of the Lord, of his creation, and of his gift, has now become a spiritual cord, and I still need your love and your comfort. The comfort of a mother. A natural nurturer, a cultivator of life. Your smile. Your cheerfulness. Your spirit. Yes! I remember the times you spun me around the room and you danced with me! The many nights I felt the rhythm of your breathing; the days I could feel the rub of your hands against me; your singing and joyfulness. The days you were worried and somber I didn’t kick as much, but instead, I settled myself and stayed quiet. I wanted you to sleep more, be relaxed and fully rested. Your life source was stronger than ever.
Finally I had arrived! I made my debut into the world with much fanfare and jubilation. So many voices. So many things in my vision embraced with warmth and love. You looked at me and smiled. Laboring for many hours, and staying strong, just so you could make the transition smooth and have me arrive on schedule. Wow! What a mother! What a life force! I love you. We spent only three years together. You transitioned to the spiritual realm, but before that transition you left behind a gift: your only son. You may be gone in the physical sense, but your heart abides with me. Our connection remains. It is unbreakable, and it is eternal.
In these years, I find solace in you. I find joy and peace in your memory. We will again dance together; I will again see your radiant smile and wondrous beauty. Your work is done here. I carry on the legacy that is you. An incomprehensible inner strength. A beautiful spirit that graced the world and touched many lives. You gave me life. I once lived in you. Now you live in me, Forever.