A Mother’s Love

For nine months you carried me. Wrapped in your warmth, I felt your heartbeat. I was in tune with your emotions, every feeling, every sensation. Suspended within your womb, I traveled with you; Mom, where are we going today? I asked, but I was never sure if you could hear me. I hear this sound outside. It’s getting louder and louder. Suddenly I want to move; I want to dance . . . I am euphoric! I am rhythmic! I can’t help myself now! I’m kicking and spinning! Then you said: “What has gotten into this baby?” “This boy is really kicking.” We were intrinsically connected. I relied on you to feed me and nurture me. You were my life source; I was totally dependent on you.

In those months we bonded, I could feel the love you had for me, and it was comforting. It was a tranquility that the moon and the stars couldn’t explain. It was beyond comprehension how your voice soothed me; a restless life, at times impatient to make my entrance into the world. I wonder if you could sense me smiling, or perceive my happiness and contentment? I’m certain you could. I’m sure of it. That connection; that sacred connection between mother and son. That unbreakable bond; that love and care. That nurturing and the blessing that was you; that was us; I am thankful. I am joyful.

A physical cord that once connected us, that umbilical cord of life, that once fed me, and that conveyed our thoughts and feelings to each other; a beautiful work of the Lord, of his creation, and of his gift, has now become a spiritual cord, and I still need your love and your comfort. The comfort of a mother. A natural nurturer, a cultivator of life. Your smile. Your cheerfulness. Your spirit. Yes! I remember the times you spun me around the room and you danced with me! The many nights I felt the rhythm of your breathing; the days I could feel the rub of your hands against me; your singing and joyfulness. The days you were worried and somber I didn’t kick as much, but instead, I settled myself and stayed quiet. I wanted you to sleep more, be relaxed and fully rested. Your life source was stronger than ever.

Finally I had arrived! I made my debut into the world with much fanfare and jubilation. So many voices. So many things in my vision embraced with warmth and love. You looked at me and smiled. Laboring for many hours, and staying strong, just so you could make the transition smooth and have me arrive on schedule. Wow! What a mother! What a life force! I love you. We spent only three years together. You transitioned to the spiritual realm, but before that transition you left behind a gift: your only son. You may be gone in the physical sense, but your heart abides with me. Our connection remains. It is unbreakable, and it is eternal.

In these years, I find solace in you. I find joy and peace in your memory. We will again dance together; I will again see your radiant smile and  wondrous beauty. Your work is done here. I carry on the legacy that is you. An incomprehensible inner strength. A beautiful spirit that graced the world and touched many lives. You gave me life. I once lived in you. Now you live in me, Forever.

Dedicated to You

I dedicate this to all of you who have lost your mothers.

Today has been a day of reflection and solitude for me. I have been asking the heavenly Father, what I have asked since my childhood. That oft familiar and poignant question: Lord, why did you take my mother? Why did you let her die? In my adulthood, I seemingly still not have come to absolute terms that my beautiful mother is no longer living. I have asked myself for quite some time if my questions are somehow overly simplistic or childlike in nature. Who knows? I know some may say, there is no one answer, or it was her time, or who could really know the reasons God allows certain things to happen? I guess all or most of these answers would be acceptable, but something in me still grapples with idea of her not being here.

Is it an unrealistic premise to finally find some sort of satisfactory answer to her death? I don’t know. Then again, I would refuse any answer at all to be a finite and everlasting conclusion. At this point I think I will just let it lie. I have been on this hamster wheel long enough, and I have been well overdue to get off and just appreciate her for who she was, and who she is in my heart. Oft as a child, I would ask God why he didn’t take me with her. I was told by family and by the friends of my mother, that I was in the car when it happened. I still can’t remember anything from that fateful day and I probably never will. There is so much more I can write but I will leave it here.

So with that being said, I would like to thank all the wonderful mothers out there in the world. I would also like to dedicate this piece to all the sad and lonely boys and girls who have lost their Moms. I grieve with you. I grieve for you. Please remember there are many of us who share in your pain, and I understand your sorrow. Seek your answers and cry as long as you want to, for you have no cause to be ashamed. I for one can say that I care about you and I love you.  You may see your friends with their mom’s and dad’s, and be sad. You may see members of your family with their parents, but remember you are special, and Mom watches over you, and she loves you. Always remember her in your heart and she will live on in your memory.

Blessings to you.

For My Mother

Mommy

Mother,

The heavens have opened

And received you

In eternal rest you sleep

You carry a piece of me with you

For I cannot see you

But in your presence I feel you

My desire is to be closer to you

In my dreams I seek you

Every breath I take

I breathe you

Your blood runs through me

Who would I be without you

Sorrow and anxiety overtake me

The dark waters of fear seek to drown me

Throw out your lifeline and comfort me

Mother I need you

Father has again abandoned me

He never deserved you

I pray for the day I once again see you

I was but three when you left me

So I struggle to remember you

But In my heart I will always carry you

Always remember I love you.

Ode to Dreams

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O dreams, you visit me in my sleep,

And infiltrate every hidden part, 

Of my unconscious thought!

You lull me with pleasantries, 

And induce fantasies of all varieties;

Lovely dreams, you take me away

From my wretched reality,

And cause me to ride on the wings of the angels.

In heavenly bliss, high in the clouds I ride!

The moon and the stars glaring bright,

I glide by Polaris and give it a kiss;

The clouds lie underneath me in peace and tranquility.

You oft have visited me when I least expect

And grace me with your presence:

Sometimes I beckon you to come,

But you come in your own time.

Your vividness enthralls me,

And gives me reprieve

If only but for minutes or hours;

I try to grab hold of you,

And keep you permanently,

But you always slip away.

Before you go this time,

Why don’t you think about it and stay?

You should know how I feel about you by now,

For my endearment for you is like no other:

Last week, you even made me dream about

reuniting with my mother!

In warmth and visions you wrap me up,

But dreams, why do you end so abrupt?

Even so, every time you leave

I hate to see you go.

Dreams, you have been with me since my childhood,

And in a world of hell, you are a temporary escape;

An invigoration of hope and aspiration

to be attained in the real world.

You cause me to have visions vividly!

And make them my reality;

Your unimpeded excitement is like walking on glass,

Across the vast sea!

Please visit more often,

You never have to knock,

For the door of unconscious thought is always open;

Turn on the lights and let yourself in.

I look forward to our next adventure,

What could it be?

Maybe the woman I am to be with forever?

Will she be beautiful and have long hair dark as a raven’s feather?

I will ponder these questions as I now go to sleep.

Old, wonderful and trusted friend of mine,

In my unconscious thought

Is where we again will meet.

Mother’s Light

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Speak to me in my dreams –

And in my suffering look upon your son –

For day by day my afflictions increase

And wars are lost and won

I am in a desert without water –

And the sun scorches me unmercifully

Venomous snakes and ferocious beasts 

Stalk my every move, and at night they taunt me

Frightening noises reverberate throughout the darkness

As I hold a candle under a heavy cloak – 

I look upon your countenance

Mother you are truly beautiful

Only you can understand my silent suffering

You have looked down upon me from the other side –

And have witnessed my nights of pain

You have seen my tears and cried

Mother – I have seen violence

I have seen poverty

I have seen despair

I have seen pain

Through it all 

I have carried you in my heart –

And In a world that’s dark

I have kept your flame

Memories

woman-2888122_1280A child stares out of an open window. Tears stream down his face. Pictures of his mother lay on the floor. He has lost her. She has passed away. The boy was told of his mother’s joyous spirit, her personality and the way she was. He was told by her friends and family how happy she was to have given birth to her one and only son. Yet, he can’t remember her face and her warmth; he can’t remember her touch and the love only a mother could give. He clutches a picture of her and holds it to his chest; he kisses her. He scours his mind for the memory of her, at least one precious moment. He finds none. If only he could remember the sound of her voice and her laughter. If only he could remember her bright smile. He closes his teary eyes tightly, and tries even harder to remember her, but there is no memory of their time together. With his eyes closed, the remnant of his tears fall onto the photos of his mother. He opens his eyes and looks at her pictures intently. Mommy I love you, he says. He will carry her in his heart forever. A heartbroken child stares out of an open window. The cold winter wind touches his face. He hopes his mother can see him; he hopes his mother can hear him.

A Letter To Viveca

Dear Mother,

For carrying me in your womb, and for your love. Thank you. I was only three years old when you were taken away from me. I asked God why. I pleaded for a reason. Nights I sat on my bed and cried, fighting to recapture the memories of you and I, or at least a mental picture of your beautiful face, but there were none. Why did you have to go? Even now I ponder this profound question. A bastard child. No mother. No father. I look at old photos of my youth and remember the mental pain no child should have to endure and I cry for that young boy; for that child trying to find his way through the world. I cry for him because no one else will; I shed tears for him because he was lost and had no outlet for his pain. One day he will see them again: his mother and grandmother. The women in his life that he lost, reunited once more. Until then, mom I love you and I need you more than ever. I swear I will never forget you and I will always carry you in my heart. Mom if you can hear me, I love you.