Medical Examiner’s Journal

9:36 PM, New York City.

Coldness has gripped my heart. I have become exceedingly numb to the bodies that lie before me, even the young. I have grown accustomed to the taste of metal that lingers on my tongue. In the beginning I contemplated my own mortality, but now I only contemplate an increase in my salary. I must say, the long hours have taken a toll on me; REM sleep is difficult to attain lately. The last poor soul I examined was burned badly and didn’t have any surviving family. I used to be highly religious, but recently, I have been exploring the concepts of agnosticism and atheism more and more. Life hasn’t been the same, since Sarah walked out of the door; divorce lawyers are expensive. Maybe, it was for the best that we had two failed pregnancies, as I assume this divorce process could have gotten much more ugly. I’ve come to the realization that marriage is not for me; strangely, with everything we’ve been through in court, I still love her and genuinely want her to be happy. I hope she meets a great guy and can finally start a family. We were both in medical school when we met; I thought we would be together forever, but I guess that didn’t work out, whatever. The district attorney has been on my ass about the promptness of my reports, but fuck her. She, and her office are on my fucking time; the bodies keep coming in, and are stacked high. I’m not going to perform half-assed autopsies for the sake of time; these are still human beings and deserve respect and dignity, but more importantly, accuracy. On most days, Bach’s genius gets me through the long hours. Most of my colleagues are good people, but this particular guy, Kevin, is an asshole; most of the guys named Kevin I’ve come across are pricks. I am an absolute professional in this office, and my work can stand against any independent examination. Can’t say the same for “Kev.” I guess that’s why I’m the Chief Medical Examiner — and he is not. I’m proud of myself for being disciplined enough to cut back on cigarettes. Recently, I’ve tried menthols, but they’re absolutely disgusting; vaping is completely out of the question. I haven’t had sex since Sarah left, but it is companionship that I miss the most — or maybe not. The coffee here is bullshit, so I bring in the good stuff for myself and a few others. I’ve been receiving constant calls from my mother, regarding my divorce; she wants me to work things out with Sarah. There’s nothing left to work out, so I think not. As much as I love my mother, she needs to learn to stay out of my personal affairs. I saw how she emotionally clobbered my father to a pulp. He died as the result of a massive heart attack. I’m considering signing up on one those so called “dating” sites; the word “dating” is used loosely these days. I was walking in the city and had some random woman approach me with the offer of “services.” I replied with, What services are you specifically referring to? After she answered, I politely declined. I’ll give myself sixty days to find someone on whatever dating site I decide to go with. I’m not in the business of wasting my money. I’d like to find someone at least somewhat sane; no unreasonable expectations either. Eleven years of, honey do this and honey do that, was enough for a lifetime. After a while, the constant demands became a fucking nightmare, as if I already didn’t have enough on my plate dealing with my profession. I was responsible, faithful, maintained a roof over our heads in a nice neighborhood, maintained excellent credit, engaged in intimacy with her regularly (not just a five minute pounding, but actual intimacy with foreplay), and tried to show sincere interest in the things she enjoyed. I think that’s a pretty good goddamn track record; I told myself that’s it, I’m not doing anything else. Working here can be a drain on your mental health, so I guess the insensibility serves some purpose. One week of time off coming up next week. Looking forward to it.

Timeless Love

She is intertwined in every fiber of his being;
He hears her name whispered in the wind,
and her aura permeates in the in-between.
Their levels of intimacy are ethereal and unseen.
On the night they wept together — they became one,
a true marriage without vain symbols valued in the cost of a rings.
It was the coming together of two divine beings;
A true union, where upon the chambers of the heart, vows are written.
Where the promises of words in truth are spoken;
Where the fire of sensuality remains and attraction never wanes.
The fire of their love will never change,
Even when the hair turns grey in old age;
Even when the last breaths are taken,
they will find each other when they cross over
and are again awakened in the halls of their fathers.
Eternally together. Eternal lovers.



Beautiful Release

For so long I held on,
my tightened grip—
a surety that I would not slip.
You came and held onto me as I wept,
and talked to me with love,
through gentle breaths.
To convince me to release,
you guided me step by step;
in my apprehension
I feared my descension,
but you promised to be my protection.
The torment of my soul
was my vulnerability,
still, I closed my eyes and let go;
you caught me,
and I finally breathed deeply.
In my descent into your loving arms, I fell freely.
In my release, you became my peace.
I kept falling—
and love is what I fell in.

Revive my Heart

You took my once cold heart
And gently wrapped it in your warmth
I had lost faith in love
Because I had been hurt
But you became my saving grace
And I learned to once again embrace
True intimacy
When I began to touch your face
And then the tears streamed

And my soul screamed
As I released emotions from a place
I didn’t know I had within me
Then held you in my embrace
And it was then you told me
What you saw in me
And we wept together
While my spirit poured out
All the love that I had in me
And then I lovingly
Whispered three words to you
In sincerity

Blue Diamond

Kiss me and move my spirit;
I love you with a love I can hardly fathom.
Move my heart in winter’s tempest
And touch my soul on warm summer nights.
The heavens know I would die for you;
Together we have walked the path of love and sorrow;
You are my angel —
Your white wings are spread and I am comforted;
Only you know my hurt and my deep pain.
Caress my face and bring me back to life.
If I should die, let me die telling you that I love you;
Your tears of joy move me to emotion,
And we cry together.
Let us not be separated in this life or the next;
Neither strife, nor blight, nor hardship, nor suffering,
Nor whispers, nor lies,
nor the cast of unapproving eyes ever separate us.
Ours is a marriage of the heart and soul;
We look into each other’s eyes,
And our vows are exchanged in silent intimacy,
And everlasting passion.
We are our own rings;
We are our own symbols of love.
Let us lie together and please each other 
Without inhibition and with extreme intent;
Your beauty is akin to a flawless natural blue diamond;
I will savor the rareness of you. Forever I love you.

My Love for You

rose-104

A warm summer breeze blows your long hair against your face as we engage in joyous laughter; I cannot put in words the love I feel for you. I am taken to another place ever time I kiss you; an ethereal realm with heaven’s light, for just us two. Every time you are not near I miss you. At your side in the hospital, doubt clouded my mind and there were times I thought you wouldn’t pull through. Ceaselessly I prayed for your healing while holding your hands, for that is the only thing I could do. I fell asleep, and when I awakened, I swore I saw four heavenly angels in light surrounding you. My sweet, my care and my love for you is true; you are more beautiful than a pink rose in the morning dew. You have given me your hand in marriage, and I have vowed a sacred vow to always love and protect you. I love you. With all my heart, I love you.

Cherished Moments

Impassioned feelings
Of love explode
As deep feelings 
Are sincerely conveyed;
Precious tears of joy fall
As a lifelong commitment is made;
In sensual moments of intimacy,
The movie of our life is played;
The light of our love and passion
Will dwell amongst the starlight forever,
And never fade.

Sentimental Thoughts

couple-photos-1920639_1280

The face of an angel. Gorgeous glowing skin, pearly white teeth and a beautiful smile. She can light up any room and brighten the faces of those she encounters. A radiance is around her and she is beautiful. She radiates love, tenderness, empathy, and care for others. She is a strong woman who has been through many trials and tribulations; the life lessons she has learned, enables her to be a mother to those who are motherless and a comforter to the hopeless and fearful. Many have cried before her while telling the stories of their pain and suffering. She is a quiet and patient listener; her eyes convey the depth of her emotion and her face is flush with empathy. She dries their eyes and gives a soft kiss on the cheek. That alone comforts; that alone gives the strength to carry on another day. The notion that someone cares. This beautiful angel that gives of herself; a woman who has genuine sympathy for those who are lost and trying to find their way through this world. She was lost before and now knows the way out of the darkness. She holds the light, and many follow because they trust her; because they love her.   

Every time they leave her, they take a piece of her with them. Sometimes she gets tired; the constant giving of herself and of her essence can be burdensome, but she is strong enough to carry it. She arrives home and her husband has prepared a warm bath for her. He kisses her and holds her tight. He has a special affinity, love and appreciation for her, and he honors her. You see, he had given up on life. He was without hope and love, and she saved his life. She believed in him and gave him a reason to live. She gave him the love he needed. She fed and clothed him, and she cared for him. He loves her more than can be described by any words, and he is now a rock for her. She can lean on him and he is a shelter in the storm. He protects her and would lay down his life for her without question. Often time, he reflects on how her love rescued him from a life of pain and misery, and tears can’t be held back. He holds and kisses his wife. Tears roll down her face at the remembrance of the struggles they both went through and the undying love they now have for each other. “I love you so much, thank you for loving me” he says with tears in his eyes. “ I will always love you,” she says softly.

Love, I Wait

tree-3272690_1280

Loneliness why do you haunt me? Why do you follow me without fail? I have tried to loosen your grip on me but you persist in your dogged pursuit of me. Release me; release me I say. I have longed for the comfort of a woman for so long now that I can’t count the days. I have pursued companionship and love to no end. I have been jeered in the streets as a madman walking down the lonely road of failed attempts at love. Love where are you? Companionship why do you escape me? I have sought you day after day. I have sought you at night in intimate settings and dark lounges but once again you escape me. I have pursued you in beautiful fields of lush greenery in the warmth of the summer. I have written vows of commitment and rehearsed them with solemn intent. I have prepared lovely vineyards and gardens for our evening walks and enjoyment. I have built a beautiful abode for your comfort. I have selected precious metals for your adornment and set aside diamonds to seal you as my one and only. In my dreams I kiss you and we exchange our vows as I look upon your radiant smile. Love, I will wait for you. I will seek you no longer, but I will wait for you to come to me. I will think about you in the morning and hope you find me in the dusk of the twilight. I will dream, dreams of passion and desire and think of our wonderful life together. I will keep our bed warm until you come to me. Do not wait another season to find me love, for loneliness might take me away.