Lovely Lilac

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In summer dreams, and beautiful thoughts I see,
Colors of lilac in beautiful splendor waiting for me;
In gardens lovely and rocky hills, peace overtakes me,
And calms my ills. O, lilac trees how gorgeous are you!
Your different colors are like a dream come true.
In spring you bloom till summer’s end, then the winter comes
And you’re gone again. I will patiently wait till the winter wanes,
And in the dawn of spring I will call your name.

The Night Walkers

 

Dark thoughts engulf my being as my will grows weak; I am tired but I can’t sleep. I am hungry, but I can’t eat. My essence has been taken away from me; I no longer know who I am. Fear has infused itself in me; I have lost my identity. Anxiety has rendered me listless; it has consumed my energy. Falling and falling; In a deep pit I am falling perpetually. The sun doesn’t shine here. The moon has turned to blood. Floods of illness chase me. They want to test my resolve. Am I loved? Am I secured? I laugh with madness at the blatant absurdity of the questions that seem to follow me. It is my own thoughts that haunt me. Plaguing me day after day like a wretched virus. “Go away, go away, don’t come back another day,” I say, but they never leave. Despair has been like an unwanted friend who has overstayed his welcome. Insomnia has forced me to stay up with him because misery loves company. The lack of sleep has diminished my every step. The days wane, and I have become a creature of the night. In zombie like state, stumbling around on dark streets, seeking hope in dark corners or at least some type of slight reprieve. Other night walkers pass by as we stare at each other with eyes of melancholy. Our eyes widen and illuminate in the dark, as a trail of anguish fades behind us. We are the creatures of the night; the night walkers who convey our stories of pain with a look into the eyes, but we never speak. In silence we walk. At 4am listen closely for the faint shuffling of feet.

The Night

In darkness it has found me;
In deep waters it seeks to drown me;
It hides from the light
But comes back at night

To rob me of my sleep;
In the early morning I weep;
There is no one there to hear
My misery and my fear

In my sad and darkest hours,
Alone my afflictions I bear.
A heavy cross to carry;
I seek eternal life

I cry out to the Lord,
But suffering is my plight.
My every waking hour,
Is filled with suffering and pain

A horrid creature stalks me;
Insomnia is its name.

Sufferer’s Darkness

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The feelings of darkness surround me as anxiety overtakes me, and fear entraps me. It’s like invisible forces control me, as ghosts of the past haunt me. I’ve tried to break free, but they constantly taunt me. To my demise they pull me; In silence I suffer as they torment me; night and day it overtakes me. No tranquility. No peace, as they bait me. Constant insomnia. No rest; no sleep, for it awakes me. My Lord and My God, why do you forsake me? Will I survive or will it erase me? I look into the mirror, and the person looking back at me hates me. I am alone in my terror. Who will save me? It is a persistent suffering, but I fight the good fight daily. Is there any fight left in me? Maybe. I prefer when the skies are grey and rainy; I have grown accustomed to the darkness, for it has embraced me, and in that embrace it has chained me. I am now a slave to suffering, ever since that fateful night it found me. It was on a dark street in New York City, that panic first attacked me. I fought hard and valiantly, but it overtook me. It wreaked havoc on my mind, and to the core it shook me; it was strategic in the way it ambushed me, for I was unaware that it stalked me. It took my breath and to the ground it brought me; I would have cried out for help but who would understand me? I lay on the ground frozen, for it had paralyzed me. To heaven I will call once more, and hope that God hears me.

Forever and Always

I gave all of myself to you. I gave you my doubt, my fears, my tears, my love, my joy, my desires, my secrets, and my passion. Sometimes I was hard to understand and there were times I wanted to be alone, but you were patient and you didn’t give up on me. You didn’t give up on us. You mean the world to me and I love you. You’re a gorgeous woman with a soft feminine touch. I remember the restless nights I couldn’t sleep and you calmed me; the days I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders and you would kiss me and tell me you love me. You understand me more than any other woman. You have a deep understanding of me as a person; of my life and what I’ve been through. Your value to me is worth more than gold and diamonds.

You are a blessing to me; a true woman of strength and love. I consider myself blessed to have you in my life. Many men desire you, but you chose me. The first time I laid eyes on you, I knew I wanted you to be mine. Your beauty captivated me and I couldn’t turn away. I knew in my heart If I hadn’t approached you that very minute, I would have cursed myself for being cowardly, and you would have run through my mind for an eternity. The allure of your voice enticed me to be more straightforward  than usual, and I told you directly that you would be mine and I needed to know more about you. With an air of skepticism you listened, but you were gracious enough to indulge my boyish enthusiasm.

I found a comfort in you; a compassionate and reserved woman, you were easy to talk to and very well spoken. I was intrigued by your knowledge and profound wisdom. My lustful eyes also gazed at your attire that conformed to your shape; your open toe heels and coach glasses were seductive; your perfect lipstick and bright eyes appealed to me, but I hadn’t yet found the depths of you. I hadn’t explored your love, your patience, or your mannerisms. Oh, you are so much more than any external beauty could reveal. In our many days and nights of talking, we confided in each other. I told you things I had never told anyone before. There was a natural easiness in our conversations. I felt like I had discovered an undiscovered jewel that had been overlooked by so many men, because they were so fixated on just your physical attributes. Yes, you attracted me physically, but I wanted and needed to know you much more intimately.

I was interested in the depths of your mind; the experiences you had been through and what moved you. Those intimate moments of our devotion made me feel like a new man. I realized that I had found something special. A diamond; something rare and beautiful, and I found it in you. For the first time I let out all of my thoughts and secrets, and I knew in my heart you would never betray my trust. We spoke of things, deep and profound; we confided in each other and formed an unbreakable bond. The first time we made love, it was deep and intense; Our souls connected on higher heights of intimacy.  We have a deep love and affection for each other. Our love and commitment will endure, forever and always.

Transcension

It was on the inside that I cried but you couldn’t see my pain. I hid it from the world. A heavy burden to carry; a seemingly perpetual cross to bear. A distinct type of pain and suffering you carry so long that it becomes a part of you. I tried many times to shake it, to deliver myself from it’s hold, but to no avail. If only you knew what I’ve been through; if only you knew my desolation and sorrow. Happiness seems to run from me, and joy seems to escape me. Many times I am told to leave it behind me; to just move on. I am asked why I can’t break free from it; why I can’t circumvent the mental despondency that can wreak havoc on one’s life. In my silence I look at them; I look through them, and I know that they could never understand the depths and levels; the intricacies, and the complexions of me. The profundity of my spirit; the torment I endure. The breadths of my very soul. They could never understand the strength it takes to endure. To survive. To live.

Many would have fallen by the wayside. Many would have lost all hope, but I am quickened by the thoughts of my grandmother, a woman who went through her own struggles and depression; a woman among women, kind and loving in all her ways. An angel to the poor and downtrodden, and a bright light in a world of darkness. I watched her in her suffering. The days and nights she wept. The prayers, and the solitude. Yet she overcame; yet she remained strong in her long-suffering; yet she held strong in her belief in God and was unshaken and resolved.

Even when her own family turned their backs she held on to her faith and remained steadfast in hope. It was her and I against the world, and even at that tender age, I was a young boy with steely eyes, and a fervor within me that I carry to this day. I may be down, but never out. On the right there might be fire, and on the left deep waters but I am never unnerved. My pain pushes me through. It forces me to either transcend or wither and die, but I am a conqueror, and I will not see myself fall. I refuse to concede; I refuse to lose.

I consider the earth and all the beauty within. The promise of tomorrow. The life within me. The lessons and life experiences that I’ve endured. My mother; my grandmother; the people in my life that were kind to me, and the people who left footprints on my heart. Those beloved ones. The ones I will never forget. The ones that loved me; the ones that I will always love. They lift me up and they give me strength. I rest in their memory; I take refuge in love and peace, strength and honor, understanding and forgiveness. I overcome. I transcend.

Sentimental Thoughts

 

The face of an angel. Gorgeous glowing skin, pearly white teeth and a beautiful smile. She can light up any room and brighten the faces of those she encounters. A radiance is around her and she is beautiful. She radiates love, tenderness, empathy, and care for others. She is a strong woman who has been through many trials and tribulations; the life lessons she has learned, enables her to be a mother to those who are motherless and a comforter to the hopeless and fearful. Many have cried before her while telling the stories of their pain and suffering. She is a quiet and patient listener; her eyes convey the depth of her emotion and her face is flush with empathy. She dries their eyes and gives a soft kiss on the cheek. That alone comforts; that alone gives the strength to carry on another day. The notion that someone cares. This beautiful angel that gives of herself; a woman who has genuine sympathy for those who are lost and trying to find their way through this world. She was lost before and now knows the way out of the darkness. She holds the light, and many follow because they trust her; because they love her.   

Every time they leave her, they take a piece of her with them. Sometimes she gets tired; the constant giving of herself and of her essence can be burdensome, but she is strong enough to carry it. She arrives home and her husband has prepared a warm bath for her. He kisses her and holds her tight. He has a special affinity, love and appreciation for her, and he honors her. You see, he had given up on life. He was without hope and love, and she saved his life. She believed in him and gave him a reason to live. She gave him the love he needed. She fed and clothed him, and she cared for him. He loves her more than can be described by any words, and he is now a rock for her. She can lean on him and he is a shelter in the storm. He protects her and would lay down his life for her without question. Often time, he reflects on how her love rescued him from a life of pain and misery, and tears can’t be held back. He holds and kisses his wife. Tears roll down her face at the remembrance of the struggles they both went through and the undying love they now have for each other. “I love you so much, thank you for loving me” he says with tears in his eyes. “ I will always love you,” she says softly.