Expressions

I’ve got a love. A love that’s deep, a love that overflows from within me with intense emotion, a love that is talked about but rarely seen, a love that expresses itself in many ways, in many forms; a love that sustains me, a love that drives me, a love that keeps my heart warm on a cold night, a love that can make a man shed tears, a love that dispels all fears, a love I will fight for, and a love that I would die for. I reflect on love and what it really entails, the true meaning and essence of the word. It can be exhibited through sacrifice, through compromise, through a giving of yourself, through undying loyalty and devotion. So many ways, so many different avenues and expressions of love, it intrigues me, it fascinates me and stimulates my mind. The mysteries of this profound act, of this deeply rooted human emotion. A mother’s love for her child, a husband’s love for his wife, the love of a brother or sister, God’s love for the world by sending his son to suffer and die for the forgiveness of sins, which is the ultimate act of love and always will be. You may ask: Do you believe in love at first sight? I say to you the reader, yes I do! Is it cliché? Maybe, but I’m a hopeless romantic and a dreamer; I believe in the notion that love can come into one’s life unexpectedly. That stare from across the room, that inadvertent touch that sets off something within your soul and spirit, that emotional first kiss. Why are we sometimes afraid to show our true feelings? Why do we hide our love from the ones we love the most? I ponder these questions and realize the mistakes I’ve made in the past and how much I’ve matured from the pain of losing someone I loved very much; but in my facade of indifference about my feelings for her, I lost her, it cut me like a knife and behind my seemly unconcerned demeanor, I was deeply hurt. From that day forward I vowed to always express my feelings regardless of fear of rejection or at risk of being told those feelings weren’t mutual. So allow me to express these words and release them into the universe; I love you with all my heart and soul, with everything in me, I love you.

I’ve been through so much. So many years of ups and downs. In my struggle, the light in me shined bright, and the hard times strengthened my resolve. At times it seemed I wouldn’t last, at times it seemed like I had given up hope. My strength would be tested in so many ways; the nights I couldn’t sleep, the days I wandered through my daily life pretending to be joyful, a smile on my face was cover for a deep sadness. A man that was at war within his own mind. Depression took hold of me and wouldn’t let me go, I struggled and fought with everything I had but I was knocked down again and again. Inside my soul cried out to God for help but it seemed like he didn’t hear my plea. Who could understand me? Who would hear my cry? I contemplated day and night with a fury within me, I relentlessly sought peace but it alluded me. Peace of mind escaped me, the world turned its back on me. I felt like an outcast, a leper, certainly misunderstood. Even my lady shunned me, and turned her back on me when I needed her most. I was in a dark place, a place where many have traveled, where many have fought their last fight. Days felt like years and years felt like a lifetime. A ship lost at sea in a violent storm. I was ridiculed and derided by many; weak and soulless persons took joy in my suffering, I swore on my mother’s name that I would not fall to their insults. I began to use the negative energy around me and turn it into fuel to transform my mind; instead of my mind working against me, I forced my own mind and thinking to work for me. Quiet reflection, reading, music, positive inspiration, letting go of people who never cared for me, were all weapons of war that I utilized. I learned to calm myself and focus my thinking. Nothing and no one could harm me mentally, or otherwise. I decided to live and not just exist; I replaced my old thinking with new thinking, my old lady with a new lady who loves and understands me. In the darkest place I found my light. I found my life.

A Letter To Viveca

Dear Mother,

For carrying me in your womb, and for your love. Thank you. I was only three years old when you were taken away from me. I asked God why. I pleaded for a reason. Nights I sat on my bed and cried, fighting to recapture the memories of you and I, or at least a mental picture of your beautiful face, but there were none. Why did you have to go? Even now I ponder this profound question. A bastard child. No mother. No father. I look at old photos of my youth and remember the mental pain no child should have to endure and I cry for that young boy; for that child trying to find his way through the world. I cry for him because no one else will; I shed tears for him because he was lost and had no outlet for his pain. One day he will see them again: his mother and grandmother. The women in his life that he lost, reunited once more. Until then, mom I love you and I need you more than ever. I swear I will never forget you and I will always carry you in my heart. Mom if you can hear me, I love you.